When I look back now, I see it all differently.
First, it was... "God, why God? Why me? Why now? What did I DO to deserve this?"
I know now, that was the victim talking.
It's easy to fall into "victim status" when things get hard. It's even easier to fall into that mindset when things get very, very, very, very... hard.
24 surgeries and procedures later - over a 10 year period. Each one a little harder than the last.
"Why God? Why me? Why now?"
Then every surgery exposed a much bigger mess. A deeper problem. Another chronic diagnosis.
I've gotten more chronic diagnoses than I choose to remember. (Thank God my memory is more short term these days.)
The doctors would always say, "It's not going to be that bad." I still say, "You ain't seen nothin' yet!"
After the surgery, I wake up (every time), "Oh, you know, Jo. You were right. It was far worse than it seemed."
"Told ya."
I've had an operation on my spinal cord while I was awake. I've been bedridden for 7 months and had to relearn HOW TO WALK. Every time was a mountain to climb, of pain, more pain, and oh you thought that was it? Really?? The worst is over??? NO. Now it's about to become Hell. Something far worse than your worst nightmare.
So now let's change the perspective.
Instead of "Why me?" Now it's "Why not me? What makes me so special that I shouldn't have to go through this. They found a giant HOLE in my diaphragm that was 2 weeks away from killing me.
This is a BLESSING. What if they had never found it? What if I would have just died? No one would have known why... right away that is.
When you're born with a birth defect, it's easy to get angry with God. No one else did this to me. I wasn't in a car accident that was someone else's fault. There was no one else to blame.
But let me tell you what's not easy. Not easy is... being bitter, angry, jealous, suffering, heartache, judgment, self-ridicule, pity, more pity. Picturing a life without the Divine Master, and thinking this is my life, and it sucks. This mindset DOES NOT make life easier.
God thank you for saving my life. Yes, God, I know I have chronic pain, every day, every hour, every year, after year, after year. But I'm still here. I know you have a plan for my life far better than the one I THOUGHT I WANTED. Amen, sisters.
We think we know what we want. We think we know what will make us happy. What we want our lives to be. Can I tell you something... We don't know nothin'.
Now I say... God, I trust in You. Whatever you want me to do, You just let me know. I will do it.
No matter how hard it gets. No matter how many years it takes. No matter how many surgeries I have left. I will NEVER GIVE UP. Because I have Him.
I am a Heroine. I am a Queen with a Crown sitting right next to Jesus on His throne. I'm covered in his blood so I will suffer no longer. I will do all the things my doctors say I can't do right now. I will run again. I will climb that mountain. I will hike that advanced trail.
I will make this world my Heaven.
Don't believe me? Just watch.
